The Ridiculous Mind of Byakuya Kuchiki
by crazy alligator
Summary: Oneshot, MAJOR CRACK.  Renji brings Byakuya back a present from the real world.  How will the nobleman react to it?  No pairings, rated T for a bit of swearing.


CRACK. An old document I found on my pc, that I felt I must share with you all. Enjoy. And before you ask, I don't know what I was on either when I wrote this.

The Ridiculous Mind of Byakuya Kuchiki

"Hm?" said Byakuya, walking into his office Monday morning. There was a box inside that was wrapped in a thin, transparent piece of plastic that had a note on top. He picked up the note.

"Dear taicho," he read aloud. "I got you this gift from the human world. Sorry I couldn't give it to you in person but there was an emergency lieutenants' meeting so I left it in the office. Signed, Renji."

Byakuya picked up the box and examined it thoroughly. The writing on the box said "clap lamp" on it, and there was a picture of a lamp. _Whatever the hell "clap lamp" means, _he thought, and tried to rip the plastic off the box. But he couldn't even get a grip on the plastic, let alone tear it away. The only thing to grab on to of the plastic was a thin ridge, which was impossible to grasp, because it was so small. He fussed with the plastic for a few more minutes, considering using his teeth, but deciding that doing that would degrade his perfect noble honor.

"Very well, box," he said, setting the cardboard cube on the ground. "You leave me no choice." He unsheathed his zanpakuto and held it up. "Scatter, Senbonzakura," he said. Within seconds the box was dust, leaving behind a lamp and a set of instructions. All padding that had accompanied the lamp had been ripped to shreds.

Byakuya looked at the set of instructions next to the lamp. He walked over, picked them up, crumpled them into a ball, and threw them behind his back into a waste bin. "Silly lamp," he said. "I am not so undignified as to stoop to such a low level that I would accept help from a piece of paper. I shall master you on my own."

And so Byakuya picked up the cordless lamp and set it on an empty table nearby. _There doesn't seem to be a switch or button on this device_, he thought, as he looked at it all around. _Perhaps it turns on on command. Rukia was saying to me once what amazing things the human world has. _

"Lamp, turn on," he said aloud, in a very commanding and nobleish tone. But nothing happened. So he tried again, but in an even more commanding way. "Lamp, I command you to turn on or so help me god I will use my bankai on you and you will lose more blood than Renji did when he fought me." But still, nothing happened. Now Byakuya's patience was being tested. This strange contraption would not turn on even under threats from someone like he, the head of the Kuchiki clan and captain of the sixth squad.

"You are very strong, lamp, to not even shudder under threats from I, Captain Kuchiki Byakuya, and I commend your efforts, but if you do not turn on this very instant I will kill you slowly and painfully in front of your dead family, who will be dead because I will have already killed them in front of you." But again, there was no response from the lamp. Now Byakuya was just plain pissed. _I will destroy it later, after work_, he thought, and returned to his desk.

He sat down and said unenthusiastically, "Alright, time to start," then clapped his hands together for effect. Immediately, the light that had refused to obey him just moments ago flicked on. "So now you choose to obey me?" he asked. "Wise choice. Perhaps I will not destroy you." So Byakuya started on his paperwork, but was interrupted a few minutes later when Yachiru, in all her pink-haired glory, slid open the door and asked, "Ne, Byuakushi, do you have any snacks?"

"No, unless you want to try that candy I offered you awhile back," he said.

"No way, it's too weird!" she said, and closed the door rather loudly. Immediately, the lamp turned off. Byakuya's head snapped in its direction and his eyes widened a little. "Are you toying with me?" he asked. No response. He unsheathed Senbonzakura a little.  
"Must I bestow upon you the same fate that befell the box you were transported here in?" Again, no response. "Very well, I see you have made your choice, I will annihilate you after work. You are lucky I have paperwork to tend to or I would do it now." He fully sheathed his zanpakuto again and it slid back in with hard force caused by his frustration, creating a loud noise. And the lamp turned back on. Now Byakuya was just plain creeped out.

"What are you!" he exclaimed and ran out of the office. He flash stepped for dear life to the meeting room and knocked on the door. Nanao opened it. "Captain Kuchiki, you don't need to be here, Renji is here," she said.

"Actually, I need to speak with Renji about something immediately," he said, instantly putting his cool and collected persona back on.

"Very well, just a moment," said Nanao. The door slid closed and a moment later Renji came out.

"Taicho, what do you need?" asked Renji. "Is something the matter? Did you get my gift?"

"Yes, actually that's what I'm here to talk to you about," replied Byakuya. Although calm and collected on the inside, he was freaking the bloody hell out on the inside. "Could it be, by any chance, possessed?" he asked, trying to sound as serious as possible while asking a question like that about a lamp.

Renji raised an eyebrow. "Um, taicho, are you feeling well?" he inquired. "Do you have a fever or did someone maybe spike your tea with acid or something?"

"No, Renji, I'm not sick and I was not drugged," said Byakuya. "But I AM serious about that lamp. There is something wrong with it, and it is creeping me out."

"Taicho, I think you need to go lie down in the fourth squad," said Renji. "I'll walk there with you if you want."

Byakuya was very frustrated. Obviously Renji had no idea that his gift from the human world was a haywire machine, or worse…! A thought struck Byakuya.

"Renji!" he yelled, grabbing his lieutenant by the shoulders. "What if…what if the lamp is one of those terminator robots like in the movies! Or what if it's a decepticon! I watched the movies; I know why they're here! Oh my god, their going to destroy us all!"

Now Renji was standing there with a WTF look on his face. At this point he didn't think his taicho would listen to reason so he figured he was going to have to play along.

"Um, okay, taicho, you wait here and I'll go get help, okay?" he said, trying his best to act like he was in at least a moderate panic.

"R-Right," agreed Byakuya. So Renji ran off, breaking into a full on flash step towards the thirteenth division when he was out of sight of his captain.

When he got there, he knocked on the door of Ukitake's office. "Come in," was the response he heard from the inside. When he entered he was greeted with the sight if Ukitake chatting with Rukia.

"Um, Ukitake-taicho, could I borrow Rukia for a minute?" he asked.

"Certainly," replied a smiling Ukitake. Renji quickly darted in, grabbed Rukia's hand, and darted out, closing the door behind him.

"Renji, what the hell!" questioned an obviously irritated Rukia as Renji dragged her away towards her brother.

Renji stopped, released her hand, and turned around, leaning closer to her and putting a hand next to his mouth. "Hey, Rukia, did you, like, pump your brother full of drugs or something while he was sleeping?"

"WHAT!" exclaimed Rukia.

"Don't worry, if you did, I won't te-"

He was cut off when Rukia violently punched him in the face. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU FUCKTARD FIRST OF ALL WHY WOULD I PUMP NII-SAMA WITH DRUGS! AND WHERE THE FUCK WOULD I EVEN GET DRUGS!"

"Well actually I heard that there are some pretty good dealers in the Serietei that can-"

Again, he was interrupted by Rukia's fist. She began to walk away angrily, not at all in any mood to deal with his crap.

But Renji recovered quickly and grabbed her hand. "Wait, Rukia!" he yelled.

Rukia turned on him and gave him the death glare to top all death glares. "WHAT!"

Renji cringed a little at her angry expression but said, "I'msorryaboutaskingthatbutI'mseriousletmeshowyouwhatImean."

Rukia sighed. "Fine, Renji. But if this is more of your crap, you're dead."

* * *

"See?" said Renji as he and Rukia spied on Byakuya from around the corner.

"He's just standing there," said Rukia. "He's looks like he always does: no emotion, cold face, calm demeanor."

"Well I can assure you that he's freaking out on the inside," said Renji. "Watch how he acts when we go to him." So Renji and Rukia turned the corner and approached the distressed noble, who got a relieved look on his face when he saw them.

"Renji, you brought Rukia?" asked Byakuya. "Yes, that's perfect, good thinking. We know she's someone we can trust. Okay, guys, here's what I've figured out has happened. The terminator robots have traveled back in time, found and activated Megatron, and have now joined forces with the decepticons. Together they have formulated a terminator-decepticon robot that can turn itself into any machine, weapon, or vehicle, like the decepticons, but that can also take on a completely human appearance like the terminator robots. They knew Renji was going to buy me a gift from the human world, so they had one of their hybrids follow him around, and when he reached to get something, said hybrid sent out a small hybrid computer chip, which attached itself to the lamp Renji gave me, therefore turning the lamp into a hybrid as well so it could assassinate me, wiping out one of the most important people in Soul Society so that the home base of the operation could start a full-on invasion of the Serietei."

Now it was Rukia's turn to have a WTF look on her face.

"Um, taicho, I'm not sure Rukia got all that, I'll bring her around the corner and explain it to her again," said Renji.

"Of course," said Byakuya. Renji quickly dragged Rukia around the corner.

"See what I mean, Rukia, he's-"

Once again, Rukia silenced him with a violent punch to the face.

"Ow! What was that fo-"

"-What the hell did you do to nii-sama!" she whisper-screamed.

"What do you mean what did I-"

"He said the gift he thought was planning world domination was from you!"

Renji thought for a moment. Oh yeah…it was from him…

"Well maybe he didn't understand something about it," he said.

"We're gonna have go search his office to find out what's happening," replied Rukia. They looked around the corner at the freaked out captain, then looked at each other and nodded. As the two came out to face him, Rukia said, "Nii-sama, Renji and I have to check something out about the robots."

"Yeah," added Renji. "And it only needs us two, so you can stay here."

"Very well," said Byakuya. "Make haste, and be sure none of them catch you."

"Right," said the two younger shinigami together, and flash stepped away. A few minutes later they arrived at Byakuya's office, opening the door and heading inside.

Renji clapped a few times, and with each clap, the lamp would change to either on or off, whichever setting it wasn't on previously. "Well, the lamp seems to be working fine," he said. "I wonder what made taicho freak out about it…"

"Renji, look," said Rukia, pulling something out of the trashcan. She uncrumpled the piece of paper and showed it to him. "The directions."

"Well, that explains it," said Renji. "We'd better go show him that there's no mutant robots or whatever the hell he was babbling about."

So Rukia and Renji left Byakuya's office with the directions. As they ran, a thought struck Renji. "Hey, Rukia," he asked. "Since when did your brother get the imagination of a five-year-old?"

"How am I supposed to know?" she replied. "Maybe he's always had an imagination but he never shows it?"

"Maybe," said Renji. "Look, we're here.

"Nii-sama," said Rukia, as they approached him. "Look at this." She held the directions up to him.

Byakuya examined the directions. "Clap hands to turn on or off," he read aloud. "Rukia, what does this have to do with the terminator-decepticon hybrids?"

Renji sighed. "Taicho, there aren't any crazy robot hybrids. Those are the directions to the lamp I gave you. There must have just been some loud noises you heard that made the lamp change its setting."

Byakuya looked back and forth between the two of them and the directions. "I see…" he said. "Very well, back to work." He threw the directions aside and walked away without another word.

"That's code for forget this ever happened and never speak of it again or bad things will happen, isn't it?" asked Renji.

"Yep," said Rukia.

* * *

Byakuya returned to his office and sat down to finish his paperwork. He glanced over at the lamp and narrowed his eyes. "I'm watching you, lamp."

END

Ah, the crack. So hilarious, is it not? I don't own Bleach, Tite Kubo does, I also don't own Terminator, Transformers, or the Clap on clap off lamps, and I love and appreciate all opinions!


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